Odessa American
Odessa, Texas
October 28, 2001

Bombs can't fall on Puerto Rico

BEVERY HILLS — God bless America, and how's everybody? Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld held a press conference in Washington last week and admitted that Osama bin Laden could get away. That's true. Even if we capture him, there's always the risk he could hire O.J. Simpson as a jury consultant.

The Louisville Courier reported that a Muslim school under construction in Lexington, Kentucky, was struck by lightning on Wednesday. This could be very embarrassing for president Bush. With a 92 percent approval rating, everyone thinks he's God.

President bush received 92 percent approval in the latest poll. He's such a leader. Last week, he asked the country to return to normal and within days, the Yankees were in the World Series, postal workers were enraged, and O.J. was found not guilty.

President Bush visited a third-grade class at Thurgood Marshall Elementary School in Washington. He asked the kids to write letters to Muslim children overseas. That's a terrific idea. But if they write back, don't open the envelope.

Capitol Hill took precautions Friday against anthrax contamination. Offices were closed so crews could come in and spray antibiotic foam. The whole place looked like Dan Burton's mouth five minutes after a new Clinton scandal breaks.

The Jackson Clarion ledger says white powder released by a crop duster over a Coast Guard post on the Mississippi River turned out to be fertilizer. It's no surprise. This close to Election Day, that stuff's got to be flying everywhere.

The White House sent staffers to Hollywood to inquire if Tinseltown can help the war effort. The stars want to help. Considering that heroin grows all over Afghanistan, it's a wonder Robert Downey Jr. hasn't already enlisted for active duty.

Afghan commanders and tribal chiefs met Thursday in Pakistan and urged Osama bin Laden to leave the country and asked the U.S. to stop the bombing. However, we have no choice but to bomb Afghanistan. We're no longer welcome in Puerto Rico.

U.S. health officials announced on Thursday the average person will not be attacked by anthrax in the mail. They're probably right. It's highly unlikely that credit card companies would stoop that low just for missing a payment.

Bill Clinton received a package containing salmonella bacteria at his Harlem office three weeks ago. He was never in any real danger. However, this is the last time he asks his pal at Tyson Chicken to send him a care package in the mail.

The Entertainment Industries Council released a poll indicating U.S. audiences prefer to see comedy over any other form of entertainment. The numbers don't lie. Whenever Congress is in session, the ratings for C-SPAN go through the roof. The U.S. Senate passed the anti-terrorist bill on Thursday. The legislation allows the FBI to do more wiretapping, surveillance and detentions of suspected subversives. The bill does everything but make Nixon's birthday a national holiday.

Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., claimed Wednesday that in Afghanistan the U.S. government looks like a high-tech bully. That's ridiculous. Other than being white, nearsighted, rich and the world's only superpower, we don't look a thing like Bill Gates.